It's not JUST a car...

I remember when I was in college, my dad had to drop me off to the Metro Rail to go to the last stop of the route: University of Houston-Downtown. (This was way before they extended it to go farther into downtown.) It was a long ride but I really enjoyed being by myself. I didn’t have a car until I was 20. So I finally got a car to start my big girl job as a full time administrative assistant at the school where I later became a teacher.

I remember my parents blindfolded me and surprised me with a car in 2014. My first car ever was a 2015 Silver Nissan Versa. The gratitude of tears came like a flood. My parents had this up their sleeve. They slowly added the responsibility of having a car note and the insurance that was necessary for it. This is where I felt like I finally grew up. My independence had arrived.

With time, I gave my car a name. I named my car Selena. Why? Well she was silver and silver starts with an “S”. Lol And then, I love Selena Quintanilla and I had found a Selena sticker that looked like a Licence Plate so I put it on my car. So Selena just stuck with me. Lol It was silly, but I loved it! So as you see Selena throughout reading this, we are talking about my car. Lol

My little Selena took me everywhere. She went with me to work, dance practices, rehearsals, church, events, mini road trips, picking up and dropping off my dance students, and many errands. And then when I started Boujee and Blessed she helped me tons to ALLLLLL my markets. Selena helped a lot when visiting Mark when we were dating too. I will never forget those dates. Too many memories to count from the past 9 years. Selena was a very special car for me.

Since my parents helped me to get this car, the car was in my dad’s name but I paid the car note. I didn’t know this at the time but when I started having a car note, I paid around $289ish and without me knowing my dad always gave more to pay it off quicker. He did this often. For how long? I don’t know but he did it without telling me. He didn’t want me to pay for it for too long. See, when Mark and I got married, my mother in law gifted us a book from Dave Ramsey. If you know anything about Dave Ramsey you know it’s all about strict budgeting and you being debt free. Well guess who introduced Dave Ramsey to my dad, ME! Lol He became more obsessed than we did so he would always encourage me to be debt free. We would always exchange messages about it. I would ask him every now and then about how much we had left to pay. The relief of paying it off was closer and closer every time! We were excited! And in 2020, we paid off the car. I couldn’t have done this without my dad! So for 2 years I did not have a car note. My Selena did so well considering all the driving I did. As the years have passed I always said that I would ride Selena until the wheels fall off.

And that’s the story of how I got Selena.

But here is the story on how I lost her.

Fast Forward to October of 2022, I am getting accustomed to my new job since quitting teaching. I am comfortable. Life is going good. I am cruising by. I am doing just fine. I am actually doing this. I switched careers. From education to marketing, wow! I am killing it. And boom! I got in a car accident on my way back home from work one day. I was shaken but since I have the best agent who taught me on what to do (aka also my mom), I immediately took pictures, called the cops, called my husband and I went on the side of the road because I thought this person was going to be a “hit and run”. Luckily, he stayed but I was bummed because my car was not doing well and I had to make the decision to let the tow truck take it to a nearby shop.

I will spare you the details of everything but long story short, the person who hit me did not have insurance active at the time of the accident. But luckily, since I have the best insurance ever through Farmers and the best agent ever (aka my mom) I had the uninsured motorist coverage or whatever. It was a roller coaster but Farmers took care of me honey!

Okay back to the story.

My accident was on a Thursday. So I didn't go to work on Friday. But that same weekend, I had a photoshoot. I had no car to get to the photoshoot and I had already paid for the service. Luckily, my grandparents were in El Salvador for a whole month. So I borrowed their car until they got back. I went, took pictures, and even had a little content day by myself. That worked out perfectly because there were no rentals available until God knows when. It was a headache with Entreprise ya’ll! But the goal was to get a car rental before my grandparents got back. Enterprise was going back and forth with me and I reported them twice. Still nothing.

(Pictures from my photoshoot that I never posted.)

Then more life happens. On the very last week when I had my grandma’s truck the unexpected happened. I had gone to do an errand on my day off and when I got out of the car, the driver side door did not close. Like at all. The hook that latches to the door was damaged. So imagine your door just being loose and open because it doesn’t shut completely. Well guess who had to drive home with one hand on the wheel and one hand holding on for dear life for it not to open while driving. ME! And to make matters worse, at the stop of my house I get stopped by the cops. Apparently, I didn’t make a full stop at the stop sign. At this point, I could just break down and cry because this is the last thing I needed…a ticket. I told him what was happening and that I was so focused to keep the door shut while driving and that it literally just happened. Hell, I didn’t even know what was wrong with it at that time. Thank God, he understood my situation, gave me a warning, and let me go. The crazy part is that I was literally on the block of my house! My goodness. I call Mark, I tell him what happens and I am feeling very overwhelmed because how will I give this truck back to my grandma like this. I had to fix it now.

And just when it couldn’t get any worse, (yes it got worse that same day) literally 20 minutes later, I get a text. It was my adjuster telling me that my car was a total loss. It was at THAT point that I lost it. I cried. I sobbed. It was as if I had the same pain of grief again. I felt that as I lost my car, that I lost my dad all over again too. I was not only grieving my car but now my dad with it too. My car was the last physical thing that I had from him. Something that was special. Something that meant so much to me. I was devastated. I was broken.

Once Mark got home I just showed him the text and he knew that I just needed to be held. And so he did just that. Once I finished crying and had to put my big girl pants on. I had to get quotes for my grandma’s truck and deal with this issue at hand. After calling different mechanics to get quotes, we had to pay $500+ dollars for a little latch to go on this truck for it to close properly. Did I have money for that? Absolutely not! But thank God for a husband who saves money. So that happened! It gets fixed over the weekend. The only good thing about all of this is that it happened to me and not when my grandma was using the truck. I very much preferred for this to happen to me then to her.

That SAME day, on the worst day ever, a miracle happened. God had a surprise for me. I talked to my adjuster on the phone as he was explaining my documents for my total loss settlement. Mark and I had talked prior to this and we guessed that we wouldn’t get much for it because it was a very basic model, it had high mileage, and well…it was from 2014! After the longest and hardest day, the documents showed that it was double of what Mark and I estimated. At that moment, I thought it was a miracle from the Lord God himself! I was shook and cried again but this time with hope that I would gain a blessing in this chaos.

The next week comes along and it’s time to turn in my grandma's truck since she was back in town from El Salvador. Having her truck was another blessing from God during that month. It was not a coincidence that she was out of town and that I was allowed to use her truck. I was so grateful to her for allowing me to use it. But… here I go carless again going into the new week. I borrowed Mark’s truck when I needed it or when he wasn’t using it. I wasn’t able to go to work all the time so that meant my paycheck was cut short even more since I was part-time. My manager was very understanding and that was another blessing for me. She understood my situation and allowed me to work from home. This went on for at least a month but I finally got a rental in the beginning of December.

December 9, 2022 was my 30th birthday. I felt excited for the future. I think that 30 for me was a chapter waiting to begin. At the time of my birthday, I had nothing. Not much money, car-less but with a rental, but still wanting to celebrate with families and friends. My birthday was also another miracle from God. I had friends love on me big time by helping me throw such a fun party. My friend Tori allowed me to throw my party at her studio, my friend Evie did my background set up with the big 30 marquee letters, my friend DJ Rosez came to DJ, and my new friend (that I hardly know and that I met in business class) gifted me a cake.Yall I was a wreck that day. I cried all day. I cried on my way to my make-up artist. I was emotional on the way to my party. And when I saw everyone setting up and coming together for me, I had to really hold it in because I did not want to mess up my make-up. Lol My Birthday was truly a blast.

Reality sets back in, I had the rental up until the time that we left to Paris, so I was car-less when we came back and it was a very emotional time. Another holiday season without my dad. Our first Christmas in our own home. A roller coaster to say the least.

Mind you the entire time, from the moment I got into my car accident in September until the beginning of January I was not able to obtain my settlement. You see the car was in my dad’s name and since he is deceased I had to get the title transfer. The insurance was not able to send me anything until it was in my name. Well a week after my accident I went to a Title Office where they claimed that they could do this and that it would take 4-6 weeks for it to be transferred. Okay great! Cool! Well to make matters worse, I technically couldn’t do it at their office. I had to go to the DMV myself with my mom since my dad did not leave a will and she had heirship. I don’t know why the Title Office didn’t tell me this information. I pretty much wasted 3 months of waiting for nothing to happen for me to just be car-less. Even typing this is so exhausting. So I will spare you the details with this part too because it’s too much to explain. But long story short, the title transfer took over 3 months for it to only be DENIED!!!! Oh, I was pissed yall! I remember crying to my husband after I found out and I went to get my paperwork back and get my refund. I was mad, sad, tired and angry. It was a hard time because all of this was a reminder that he was still gone. It was a reminder that I couldn’t call him and talk to him. This would not be happening if he was here! I should've done the title transfer when we were done paying it off together. I didn’t care about the dumb refund. I just wanted this to all be over. It felt never-ending.

The next day I go to the DMV, I feel like okay this is it. I will be able to get the title transferred to my name and it will be over. The DMV says it will take 3 days to update the system and over a week for it to be mailed to me. This was a big deal because all my insurance needed to see was that it was in my name. Not my dad’s anymore. Well…it was done. It was finally in my name. It was finally over and I got my settlement for my Selena. I could finally breathe.

I questioned God as to why all of this happened to me. It felt unfair. But I learned SO much in that season of disappointment, fear, and uncertainty. I really learned to depend on God for my every need. God taught me to trust in Him. God taught me to depend on HIM fully. It was an opportunity for Him to step in and show me His goodness. I saw how he provided for me. I saw how he aligned certain things to know that it was ONLY by His grace. I saw how he allowed certain things to happen to guide me into the next thing. I have a stronger mindset than I did a year ago. I am fully aware of my worth. Even in my storm, God was my peace.

My miracle after the storm finally came and after some car shopping. Yo girl got a car! I am soooo grateful for my new car. It has been a blessing to say the least. I am still deciding what I want to name her but she is a baddie. Lol I wanted to get an SUV because we are praying we become parents this year. So in faith, we got a family car.

So what is next?

The beginning of January I actually had a huge job opportunity that I had interviewed for and I was really excited. I felt that this was it. My part-time job was not the place that I needed to be at anymore and I was really low-balling myself. But it was just a stepping stone job. So I decided to resign because I knew that this other job was for me. Well, God thought otherwise. Lol I didn’t get it, I had just resigned and here we are back at square one. I am out here doing entrepreneurship full time. I am dedicating myself to Content Creation, Social Media Managing, and most of all Boujee and Blessed. It has not been easy but I literally stepping out in faith once again. It is crazy to even type that because a year ago, as I was teaching, I remember being soooo done and burnt out. But I was too scared to leave. Too scared to take risks and not making enough. I don’t even recognize myself anymore. So now, here I am doing it.

I feel like this upcoming season is about discipline and working hard for my dreams. But also for the dreams that I don’t know that I have and want yet. I have never been in this position. But I want whatever God has for me. So I am going to step into that direction.

This is the first time I am writing about my car. Grieving her one last time. I really did feel that when I lost my car, that I lost my dad all over again. But like I always say, grief comes in waves. Sometimes I am strong and sometimes I am at my lowest. But we preserve.

This is the reason I was kind of MIA in the past few months and took a step back from being active on social media with my business. I was dealing with so much that and when I did show up no one really knew. And if I did, it was a miracle. When you’re in the storm you don’t really want to put it out there. We all go through hard stuff out here but no one really talks about it. But now that the calm is over, I am talking about the storm because God brought me through it. It was hard writing this blog because it was painful to revisit everything, but now I get to shout of the victory that I have now. God is and will always be good. Even through all of this, I am still blessed.

Till next time Blessed Babes.

Shameless plug: If you need insurance or want to shop around, contact my mom. She is truly the best agent. Address her as queen jk not but for real her name is Reina. Tell her I sent you :)

Number: 713-955-8396

Email: rpineda@farmersagent.com

Nobody Told Me...

Nobody told me what it was like to plan a funeral.

Nobody told me how hard it would be to choose details for a funeral that I did not ask for.

Nobody told me how to deal with family and people who grieve differently than me.

Nobody told me about dealing with grief forever.

Nobody told me how I was supposed to go back to work like nothing had happened.

Nobody told me how hard it was to live without a loved one.

My dad taught me many things…but not how to live without him.

This grief thing man…it’s hard. It’s a new world to enter.

In the last few months, I have dealt with so many things that have really shocked me in grieving my dad. Some of them necessary, some unnecessary, and things I rather not even mention. Through it all, I do want to mention that I truly do not know how I would go through this without God. If there is anything I want to tell you first, it’s that I have never felt God so close to me than right now. In the Bible, it says that God is close to the broken hearted. That verse, those words, have helped me navigate missing my dad because God is the only one who truly knows how me and my family feel. If you have ever lost someone, God knows your pain too.

Before I tell you what I have learned in my grieving journey so far, I want to share with you a reflection. Where ever you are right now, I want you to think about how God wants you and how he fits perfectly into your life. He wants you so much that if you really think about how many times you could’ve died or how many times you needed him, he always showed up. For instance, I almost died at 7 years of age. In short, my appendix almost burst and that could’ve been it for me. In my adulthood, there has been COUNTLESS of times where I was driving and I could have been in a bad car accident. Most of those times have definitely been my fault though, because I would do my make up in the car. Lol Yeah, not a good idea. BUT He still showed up for me though! God has showed up for my family and my dad countless times so I always knew He was REAL. Sometimes, He shows up differently though. He takes away things or people that are most precious to us. In this case, He took my dad. To this day, I have not experienced anger and I don’t think I ever will. I just have peace in knowing that it was my Dad’s time. My dad completed his work on this earth and has left a legacy that has marked me forever. But I want to tell you that Heaven exists but so does Hell. Yeah… that escalated quickly. Lol I just feel a burden to tell you this because there has truly been an awakening in me to share the truth of God and who he truly is. It’s not religion, it’s a precious, one of a kind relationship that will change you from the inside and out. My dad had this relationship with the Lord and he is with Him now. To me, that makes me smile. Since I want to see my daddy again and be in heaven with him that means I need my relationship with God to be in order. We are all imperfect individuals but God’s grace covers me. At the end of the day though, it is up to me to seek him and do the work to bring people to God. If today was your last day on earth, do you know where you would go? I will leave that question for you to answer.

(I have left and came back to this blog so many times because it is hard. But my heart is to continue to be transparent and real. I want to name a few things that I have learned during this time.)

I remember calling my boss and asking her about my bereavement the night of my father’s passing. And let me tell you, no time is enough to go back to “real life”. Work is the last thing you want to do. You want to do literally nothing. You forget to eat. People are talking but not really saying anything. Your whole world stops. Nothing matters. I remember receiving an email through my job that included resources for losing a loved one and I remember immediately opening it. There was links to help with coping, etc. I skimmed through it, I read some parts, but nothing could bring my dad back.

Some of you may know about the stages of grief. And if you don’t they are the following:

1. Shock and denial.

2. Anger.

3. Bargaining and guilt.

4. Depression.

5. Acceptance.

This is what I read in those resources. When I look back, I went from 1, 3, 4 in rotation. But even in all of those stages I also accepted our reality. Now here is what I was not ready for…my family reacting differently than me and at different times. No one really prepares you for that. No one really talks about it. Even though I have gone through most of the stages, I never experienced the anger stage. I was more hurt and angry at the way the people around me were behaving towards us. But guess what, it is still our choice on how we react and respond. My family has decided to always walk in love, show love, and be love because the legacy of my dad is far greater than anyone can taint.

As I continue on this journey and grieving my dad. I have learned a lot about myself. I have learned that I have done some serious self harm in ways that were unintentional. I have not taken care of my body. I stopped working out for awhile. I was not consuming the right foods for me. I had given up on my health “because what is the point”. I have stayed up late many times and just worked my business and worked on stuff for my teaching job. But even then, it still wasn’t enough for me. I finally feel like I am making baby steps to stop these self harming actions and truly taking control. I started working out recently and I am trying my best to eat good food for me.

I have also noticed that A LOT of the times I have kept myself busy to keep my mind occupied. I have coped with this loss but keeping my mind off of my dad no longer being here and yet at the same time that being the driving force of why I do what I do.

I will be honest though. MOST of the time, I truly have wanted to make it seem like I have it all together. But other times, it’s truly the strength that God has given me to even show up. So yes, I want to have it all together but I know that I don’t have to.

With all of these things being said, I don’t want to portray grief as something that is easy. In fact, my heart is to share how I have been navigating it. No one else but me. As I have said time and time again, it comes in waves. It is in no way easy. I have my moments and then I move forward. My faith in God has kept me grounded. But I will admit that there have been times where I want to hold myself together because I DO want to be strong. But I have given myself permission to have my days without feeling like I am not productive.

I had someone message me about how they were so touched by my second blog post. They said that they have never experienced loss before and that just like me their worst fear is losing someone close to them. (I had many moments prior to the loss of my father to put myself in that situation in my mind and immediately tear up with just the THOUGHT of losing my parents.) I am sure so many people can relate to that. They went on to say that my blog post gave her a little hope in knowing that God is truly our peace and strength in moments like these.

The purpose of this blog post is to tell you how to prepare for loss. If you have had someone pass away, then you already know. But if have never lost anyone, I wanted to encourage you to not fear it. Of course, NO ONE is ever ready for something like this. But life happens.

You’re probably like, “Why is she telling us on how to prepare for death and loss? I don’t want to think about this?” Well…the truth of life is that we are all going to pass away from this earth. Others sooner than later. I wish someone would have told me about what to expect. So many people go through this and they don’t really talk about it. We just know it happened to them. Another truth is that there is no right or wrong way to grieve but there are certain things that we can do to not let the loss define us but rather get us closer to God.

But if I had any advice for preparing for a loss it will be the following:

1. Get life insurance on earth and heaven. Insurance is important but insurance in Heaven is even better. Accepting Jesus into our hearts is the only way to heaven. Jesus is by far the best thing that can happen to your life. I can say confidently that my dad is with Jesus in Heaven. The peace that I feel surpasses my human emotions.

2. Have the hard conversations with loved ones about your death wishes and what THEY would want and vise versa. My family and I never talked to my dad about these things. I wish we would have. We never thought this would happen to us.

3. Spend all the time you can with your loved ones. Put the phone down and ask yourself, if this was their last day, what would you ask them. Ask them all the questions. I wish I could ask my dad so many more things.

4. Forgive and Love. Unresolved feelings and issues with people around you. Failure to do this can cause major regret and guilt if your loved one passes away. I did not have this happen to me but I know others have felt this.

5. Take all the pictures and videos you want with the people around you. I am thankful for this era of technology because those memories bring me smiles and tears but it helps me to remember the good times. People use to think I was crazy for “taking pictures of everything”. Well now, even more! I will forever be that person. I been this way since I was in HS. I always had a camera on me. I am grateful for that part of me.

That is all I have for now. I hope that this blog posts helps with our view of how to navigate loss. I am not an expert but I am speaking of MY experience. Remember that healing is not linear! It will be all over the place. Embrace that and have the right people around you to uplift you and be there for you.

I miss my dad. So so much! Every time I think of him I either cry like I am now. Or I just laugh because of how funny he was. Or I am encouraged by his legacy to keep going. All of this in rotation. I do what I need to do for me. Do what you need to do for you too!

Lastly, I want to share this last piece of me. Dancing is my form of expressing myself. I heard this song on someone’s story and I listen to it nonstop as I think of my dad. I told myself, this is my next concept video. So here it is. I actually had this video recorded in the middle of March and this is perfect timing to show you because of this blog. (This was not planned.) The CRAZY and WILD thing about this video is that the day that I recorded this video was the SAME day that my dad called me and left me this voicemail. March 20, 2020. THAT was also NOT planned! It made me feel like it was meant to be, that I was doing everything that I needed to be doing at the moment, and I held back to tears but man. I just know my dad is watching over me ALWAYS.

I miss so many things about my dad. It still feels unreal sometimes. I will miss him forever until I see Him in Heaven again. And because I want to go to Heaven, I wish to align my life to God’s will.

Nothing else.

Thank you for reading and thanking you for watching.