This Is What Trusting God Looks Like...
Hey yall! It has been so long since I have written a blog. I literally have not posted a blog since June 14, 2021! Yikes! I am a little embarrassed but at the same time…not really. A lot of life has happened since then. And let me tell yall alot can happen in one year. It has been a year of growing pains, misery, but yet of joy and blessings. I am thankful for it all.
I guess you can say that this blog post is an update of my life. So here’s the tea…
Between the time of my last blog post and now I have seen that God continues to be my rock. It has been yet another year without my dad. Another year that we have had to endure. What I have come to see is that grief will forever be something that I will deal with in every chapter of my life. Why you ask? Well in each chapter of my life that I face, it will be another realization that my dad is not here and I will be grieving all over again. There has been many moments that I wish my dad would have been here to share with or that I would like him to see. But even with every chapter that passes it is a chapter closer to seeing my dad in heaven.
I believe in seasons and chapters in our lives. Some seasons are meant for us to grow in while in some we are meant to be alone in. Some seasons are for working and some are meant for resting. And if we pay close attention to what God is doing in each season, whether it be good or bad, He will get the glory. The seasons and chapters in our lives serve us one way or another! And currently, I am in between two chapters. One is opening and one is closing. It is a new season yall!
So let’s start with the exciting part! Here’s where the tea really starts! Lol
I am so happy to say that my husband and I bought a house yall! We have been homeowners since February! Whew! If you follow me on my personal insta page, you already knew this! But it’s still fresh baby! I thank God everyday for the house that I am in as I type this. It took us 3 years to get a house but God made it happen IN HIS timing. This is a chapter that we have dreamt about for sooo long! God made a way and it was better than we imagined. Since 2020, real estate agents said a lot about the market but I always knew in my heart that God had a specific home for us. In the midst of the joy of this huge accomplishment, there has also been tears of sadness. This is a chapter that I wish my dad was able to physically be here for. To be in my house. To talk over coffee and have pan dulce and hear is laugh. For him to see the living room and see blue couch that he bought us when we had our first apartment. To cook dinner for him here. To have him over just because. I want that…but I can’t have that. While it continues to be a hard reality, that he will never step foot into my house, I honor him in multiple places around the house. I am reminded of his legacy and the one that is in me. I know he is super proud of us.
It’s so exciting to open up a new chapter in life. But it is bittersweet to close another. And last week, I closed a special chapter.
I resigned from teaching.
8 years ago, little ol’ me started as a front office receptionist and that got me in the door after I graduated from college to be the first Dance Teacher at my school. 8 years ago, I started to live my dream. Teaching what I love and what I am most passionate about: Dance. I have been going hard ever since. If it weren’t for dance, I would have never been a teacher. And let me tell ya’ll, if I wasn’t teaching dance, I would not have been teaching at all. Teaching is hard work and we don't get compensated enough for it.
(Me as a receptionist in 2016, Our WON Dance team, My first students now as senior/graduates.)
I went through many seasons in my life in this position. Dating season, engaged season, married season, adult-ing season, depression season, COVID season, and grieving season. I feel like I grew up here.
I officially turned in my resignation in the beginning of May but the decision was made in my heart and mind since March. But I reallllyyyyy wanted to quit multiple times in Spring & Fall semester of 2021! As you can see, a decision like this doesn’t just come from night to day. It was moments upon moments that led me to this decision. I truly cannot believe that this is the end of it. But I want to take yalll through what led me to this decision because there is a message in here for someone that might need it.
You see, the way I run my life is by the peace that God gives me. When I got married, I knew Mark was the one and I had zero hesitations because I had peace in my life. Big decisions can easily be made when you have the peace of God over you. That’s a word! C’mon somebody!
In March of 2022, a team from Bethel came for two weeks to minister in Houston. I remember on a Tuesday night, they were speaking at a church. There came a time to ask for prayer and I went to someone that I admire a whole lot! She’s a powerhouse! I asked her if she could pray for me and all I told her was that I was a teacher and that I was looking into quitting. As she began to pray for me she started to say very specific things about how I was feeling.. Here is some of the things that she said since I saved them in my notes in my phone that same night.
“You’ve been black and white for too long.
It’s time to bring some color back.
You can’t dance in a box. You’ve been in a box for too long.
It’s time to break out of the boxes.
You have permission.
You have God’s yes.”
When I tell you I wish I would’ve recorded these words over me. My God. Even, thinking about this moment brings me to tears again because it’s truly how I had been feeling for so long. In my heart I knew I needed to leave, but I wanted a clear answer from God and He gave that to me.
When I tell you that these past few years were one of the hardest. I felt like I was performing in front of these children every day. Pretending that I was okay, but I was not. It was so hard to show up daily but I did in the best way that I could. You see, I was miserable. There was a time where I wasn’t though. That’s when I felt a shift to leave. But I just needed God’s approval.
I remember walking back to my seat with tears in my eyes that night. I sat down for a very long time with no interaction with anyone. But I sat there in awe. In silence. In reverence…to what God had revealed to me in that moment through this amazing woman of God. I was shook. I could not speak yall! I truly was like, “Okay, this is it. I have to leave.”
I love being a dance teacher. This role has been the best thing that I could have ever done in my life. I have learned so much. I have met some incredible teachers and people in this role. I have represented my school well with our dance team. I have put on some amazing dances for all the school events. I won Teacher of the Year once. I have been a person of influence at our school. I have developed and nurtured real honest relationships with many students. I was a Curriculum Writer for the district for Dance when we had nothing. I taught through a pandemic. I taught dance to over 675 students. I have left my mark without a doubt. I am proud of me.
When I decided to do this blog, I wanted to write about all the horrible things that I have experienced as a teacher and how I didn’t feel valued and appreciated at my job. Trust me, this time there are many more reasons to leave than to stay. But what I will say is that countless of times I felt that my class was an after thought. My class was not respected enough to have it's own space. My dance class did not have a budget at all. I did not feel supported or valued at my school. It was only when we had performances or when we were selected to perform at district wide events that I would get recognition. That's the only time that dance mattered. Dance and music literally drive the culture of the world. Why would the arts not be important enough at school? I literally could go on and on and on. But as I keep writing this blog, I realized what good is it going to for me to tell you the specific things? To add more fuel to the fire of what our education system is right now? To be complaining about the horrible administration when I am already out? To tell you how this generation of kids are so disrespectful? If you are a teacher, you already know. When I tell you how free I feel right now…there is no better feeling! I use to accept everything that use to happen, but I had enough. Quitting has freed me. Do I wish I would’ve done it sooner? No, not really. I would’ve missed out on the incredible kids I had this year. They kept me going for sure. They are not the reason of me leaving. In fact, leaving them is the hardest thing. This also includes all the amazing people I worked with. Whew! Wow I am going to miss them all. I am incredibly heartbroken to leave my kids but I hope they know that they can always reach out to me if they need me.
You’re probably wondering, what are you going to do now Deborah/Sarah? Well, the answer right now is that I am going to enjoy my house, I am going to rest for the summer, go to dance classes, focus solely on Boujee & Blessed, and take care of myself. Teaching didn’t give me the best work life balance that I needed so I will definitely be focusing on these things. I really look forward to going to dance classes because I haven’t danced for myself in so long. Also, I didn’t leave my job to work for myself, although that would be nice but B&B is not at the place where I want it to be yet but in the future that would be the goal for sure. My goal is to get a new job by August so I will be praying for my next big move. I don’t know what the future holds but I know the one who holds it. I literally quit my job with nothing to go to next. This is what trusting God looks like. I am going to trust him that He gives me what I need because He cares for me. I will not be shaken for what is to come. I am ready to walk in what He wants me to do.
In the beginning of the year, I asked God for newness. I asked God for a NEW house, NEW job, and NEW baby. We are in June, so we got 1 down and 2 to go. Ayeee! I trusted God with my house, so now I want to trust God with my job and for the gift of having a baby one day. Trusting God can be hard and worrying can can be easy, but I know God has me. My dad always told me to put God first and everything else will follow. That is exactly what I plan to do.
“But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.” Matthew 6:33-34
Cheers to old chapters closing and new chapter starting. Whatever season you are in, be still and know that God is in control. Trust Him enough to see what He has in store for you.
Thank you guys for reading, supporting me through everything, and simply being here. I will be doing a lot more with my brand and investing my time on Boujee & Blessed. Stay tuned. Untill next time. <3
P.S. As I typed this blog, I realized why I stopped blogging and why I stopped sharing my life. I stopped because it’s actually really painful. I’ve always been really reflective but to be reflective about the pain and the reality of my life has been really hard. Everytime I type and the words appear on my screen directly from my heart it hurts but I know that this is bigger than me. Sharing has helped me to cope and to remember that my testimony or my story can always help someone else. So again, thank you for being here. <3